Death Does Not Become Me....

The "Mistress" crumpled to the floor after she witnessed the newly recovered Zillah Grey wrap his arms around me in the destroyed summoning circle. Her wails echoed off the stone walls, but I remained oblivious to her. My sights were set on him . It worked... he's here. I pulled up his weakened body and let him orient himself. He seemed to ignore the insistent pleadings and cries coming from the fallen figure on the floor, too, and dazedly leaned on me while I brought him out of the Mistress's townhouse. It was a short but tedious walk back to the Townhouse, and he was out like a light as soon as I let him fall on my bed. It's been so long since I could breathe him in....

I swear dealing with this "Mistress" puts such a strain on my patience. We met several days ago at the Cafe in Paris, where she admitted that she was losing grip on her "Asmodeus." Zillah's blood lust is very real, even in his demon form, and it doesn't look like Leatrix knows how to handle it. I couldn't help but laugh at her, much to her confusion, which only led me to explain that her demon isn't who she thinks he is. She didn't believe me when I told her that he's my fiance, the father of two children, and has an actual soul-filled life. At the mention of children, she seemed to cave. I would, too, if I knew that I was breaking up a family. Old man Rowane joined us and helped my cause, throwing in the idea that if we obtained Zillah's soul, then he could choose which path he wants. It didn't look like Leatrix wanted to give him the opportunity to "choose" and was disheartened when I stressed that she meet me in t...

After receiving an official invitation from "Mistress" Leatrix von Dietrich, I wandered around London, asked some locals for directions, and then tentatively knocked on her door. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. What if he was there? How much did she know about me, really? A servant girl answered the door and led me in to an overly posh place. The "Mistress" had a sincere look of happiness when I arrived, and I could tell she restrained herself from hugging me. It was ok at first.. she complained about high society and her duties tending to them. I never really cared much for people who dressed like peacocks, so I was blatant in my questions about why she even bothered to associate with those types. Then she starts blathering about this demon that she summoned, and fortunately he wasn't there. I played dumb to this knowledge, and she just spilled out everything. About how her dear Asmodeus is so loyal and would do anything for her. ...

Dearest Zillah - I can't send you this letter, but I write it in hopes of setting my soul at ease. You wouldn't know what that's like, would you? Setting your soul at ease... If you had your soul, we wouldn't be in this tricky situation; we'd be in a tub somewhere soaking in suds, smoking cigarettes, and making fun of people. I strongly considered sending this to your new Mistress' address. I heard she lives in London, and she seems genuinely nice. Probably not the type you would associate with freely if you were yourself, but she wants to meet with me socially. "Have some tea", she says. Perhaps she already knows my link to you. Perhaps you've already told her. Your loyalty no longer lays with me... You sacrificed everything for me, and now it feels like you're really gone. I'm nervous seeing her again... what if you are there? Will she see your value and not let you go? How deep are you ensnared in this? Do I even have a chanc...

After another bout of him claiming I was stalking him (maybe?), he didn't believe my words, so I gave him the one thing that might stir the real Zillah inside his demon body; the black diamond engagement ring that he had insisted I take when he proposed marriage. It's strange how we have connections to objects. The blood and tears that went into the story of this ring make it my most prized possession. It was a promise that he wanted to be mine, that he truly did care, but with the recent changes of his loyalties, this promise was lost in the whirlwind of possession, Hell, and summons by another. Last night I was considering my options, spraypainting my favorite propaganda in the alley by the Warehouse. I thought that by giving the ring back to him, he'd either disappear completely, or it would stir the curiosity in him. He snuck up on me, just as I was finishing my green, splattered words. Apparently, "Where has the Revenant gone?" didn't stir any memori...

I feel as if my chest is going to cave in, just collapse into itself. Perhaps I'll be pulled into a self-made vortex that will bring me out of this place, maybe to Sea-at-tel. Maybe not. When I see my lover, his face completely devoid of any recognition of our past, I just want to do one of the following things: -Slap the fuck out of him. Maybe he'll snap out of it. -Kill the new Mistress. -Rally Lex to do something about their missing leader. -Punch all of his friends for not doing anything. -Hurl myself at him, screw his brains out, and maybe he'll remember. I thought each one of those through, seeing as how I've had alot of time alone to think about them. Being depressed and mopey isn't going to get my Zillahface back. Being proactive will. Slapping the fuck out of him? That would just piss him off. He's under the spell of some Mistress, so who's to say he wouldn't just dispose of me. It wouldn't be the first time he's tried to kill me. ...

It's been so difficult without him. The last time I saw him at the Gates of Hell, he wasn't even himself and the seriousness of the situation fell upon my shoulders like a brick. I can't find anyone... no one who will help. It's as if no one cares. No one cares that my Zillah is without a soul and trapped in Hell. After everything he did for our friends, they aren't there when he needs them the most. So I'm going to fix this myself. I have to. There's no other way. Yesterday was a strange turn of events when I saw him in London. I was surprised to see him, but not really surprised when he barely glanced at me. Not even a glint of recognition in his limey and purpley eyes. It took all I had not to hurl myself at him, so I composed myself, tried to look nonchalant, and sat by the fountain column. I pulled this little trick to capture his attention my sisters and I used to play when we were younger. The engagement ring he gave me still sits close to my ...

When I finally saw him, he looked back at me with emotionless, uncaring eyes. He sat perched in a charred tree, within eyesight of the Gates. I couldn't get him to come back with me. He didn't return my touch. What life is there left to live if this is the only way?

"Oh my lover on a long long empty road Oh sweet lover I got lost" ~~Vast It's been weeks, months... years, I'm not really sure. The confines of the cage I've been in and the unspeakable things the demon has done has sucked away any hope of actually escaping. The bastard cited anti-magic spells in the sand around the cage, and did everything in his power to make sure I felt every ounce of pain he could muster. Between the physical torture, the smooth words of threat, and the constant stabbing from the structure of the cage, I couldn't disconnect myself from the pain. I prayed for it... the disconnection, but it wouldn't come. An electricity filled the air and the sound of voices stirred me from my trance. Moving was an extreme effort, considering there were barbs on the bottom of the cage, sand that felt like glass in my skin, and only enough room to shift myself uncomfortably. It was his voice... he was there with his back to me, facing my torment...

I don't know how much longer I can last. What will kill me first? The intricate torture by my captor or the loneliness?

I think it's been days... I don't know where I am, my hands are bound, and the only item in the room is a tallow candle that barely penetrates the darkness. I can't help but look directly into the flame, which forces me blind everywhere else. I didn't come here willingly, oh no. I finally had a free moment at the cafe without anyone over my shoulder. I was happy, smiling actually for the first time in ages, when the demon Imri sauntered in. He knew I was in the cafe, he looked directly at me as he entered, and within seconds, he casually sat at my table. I couldn't look him in the eye, the same candy purple that Zillah now possessed. Noticing that I wasn't going to acknowledge him, he started purring sweet nothings, inching closer to my ear. Something in his voice held me still, paralyzed to the little cafe chair, and unfortunately, no other patrons were even looking in our direction. I couldn't help but tense as he whispered and giggled how ecstatic he...

"Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it." -- Russell Baker In a moment of weakness I went back to the Townhouse with Zillah. He's convinced me that the threat on my life is real, and that he won't give up on keeping me in his sights. Which is better... freedom of the streets with imminent doom, or captivity with a bathtub, with a lessened threat of doom? The first night was awkward. He assured me that I'd have my old room, and he would stay outside the door. Not even an hour later, he pawed at the door wanting in. When he finally passed out in the doorway, I snuck back out to get some coffee. It's funny how he thinks the new bars on the windows will keep anything out... or let anything out. Yesterday, the look of loathing wasn't as consuming on his face, and he offered to take me to the Cafe in Paris. I was still very much upset with him, trying to ignore his obvious attention in my direction. But we all know how he is, turning...

" You took me for a ride, You took me for all the other fools in your life. Now I don't care about your pain anymore. " ~Vast Doesn't everyone know that I don't give a shit what's happening? All these little kids keep lurking and scampering around me, trying to give me advice. What kind of advice can a 6 year old give, really? I'm not asking, looking, or even putting a face on that says, 'Give me advice, my life is in ruins!' It's just messed up that everyone thinks they know best. Moris Ravenswick tried explaining to me last week that the best way to torture Zillah was to be with him. What a joke. This man shares the same pain as me, knowing that his significant other will always fall into the arms of another... who happens to be my ex-significant other. I'm not going to fuel that fire. Even that little brat Maharet, who has never paid attention to me a day in her spoiled little life, attempted to cheer me up. Then all these other...

Is it not better this way? He can have all that he's ever wanted that he claimed I took away. I even helped him erase traces that I even existed at the Townhouse. He thought me careless with his daughter in the house, but I saved her, actually. I tugged her along the streets until I saw a familiar face, shoved her off, and ran blindly until I couldn't walk anymore. Of course he doesn't understand, quick to accuse and call me names. All the efforts I put in these past few years.. wasted.

It's all been so lovely. The Townhouse is transforming before my eyes. Everytime I visit (I'm not ready to call that place home), there are new things and new decorations. Ameera lives there now, too, and I've decided I'm never going into her room again. Ever. Since I'm not too fond of the Townhouse (the only reason I'm there is for privacy), and I'm not really allowed at the warehouse, I've been sneaking into the Rhyme. I can't really get in, only as far as the drive, but it's the closest I can get. I don't know what keeps bringing me back there, but it pulls me in like a magnet. It's a great place to nap and hide from the world, the new owner doesn't even know I exist. Honestly... I haven't been feeling well. Everything has been going so nicely on the outside that if I stopped smiling, it would be obvious. His face is haunting me in my dreams, buried under the murky water of the Thames, eyes dulled out and staring, accusi...

I've dreamt about it a few times, knocking him out when he was most vulnerable and not paying attention. It was almost too easy, as Zillah lay there in a daze, and the Professor stunned from the spell he just cast. I hit him over his head with his own case, and it instantly brought him to the floor. I stepped to my lover, still laying on the surgical table, traced his face gently, and overode the Professor's touch with a kiss of my own. Looking back down at the barely breathing body of the Professor, I sighed and cast a spell that would help me drag him out of the Warehouse. The London fog was in my favor, as it hid the awkward sight of me lugging him along, and the scratchy drag of his dead weight on the cobblestones. He went over the edge of the docks easily, welcoming the cold waves with an outreached embrace. I watched for a moment, making sure the current took him til he was a speck, and turned back toward the warehouse. Zillah must never know of this. He would neve...

We were lounging at the warehouse the other night... Actually more like Zillah was humoring me after I had drank more than my share of wine. It was the night that this whole fiasco was supposed to end. The past week had been a nightmare, and I was ready for it to be over. After being kicked out, disengaged, held hostage, and then practically begged to stay, I sobered up while we waited for the Professor and his surgeon to arrive. When we heard the familiar knock on the door, he looked with his mismatched eyes glinting in the glow of the twinkle lights and kissed me. It was time. I was repulsed instantly by being in the same room as the Professor. But I directed my sights to Mrs. Westcott, who had curious bruises and cuts about her body, as she tightened manacles around my lover's body to a surgical table. She ignored the world around her as she set forth to slicing and dicing. I couldn't watch for fear of a weak stomach, but stayed in the huddled in the pile of pillows, ...

I need to find a new place to go. Apparently refusing to help with this dumb surgery thing was the wrong answer. He threw my things out of the Townhouse and demanded I give him back the engagement ring. I didn't realize he was so needy, especially considering he's had everything under control and has so many more people (that aren't me) helping him out of his sticky situation. I tried, I really did try to help him, but he wouldn't have it. And now that I've given up, when I don't have the energy to keep trying, he guilts, and pushes, and prods me to do this. He pets me, whispering how much he needs me, but his face shows a sneer and a clenched jaw. He forced me to London, it being unsaid that he wants to keep an eye on me until the surgery. I don't think he's noticed that I've escaped from the warehouse window...

I received a letter in the post today from the untrustworthy Xylander. I went to the Rhyme, the same place I can no longer call home, and sat in the front drive to read the almost too-elegant script. It was easy to set it on fire, watching the corners burn first until the whole parchment was soon consumed. What do I owe the Professor or Zillah Grey, for that matter? Nothing. It's hilarious to think that they would actually think I could help. I've been trying this whole time, blindly following my heart, only to be betrayed yet again. How come I never see this coming? I should expect it after all of these years. I would never let the Professor cast any sort of magic on me and last I spoke/argued with Zillah, he already had plans with his new-found Mistress to return him back to his glory days. It seems they all have it under control, so now is my chance to disappear into the crowd and let them worry about their own problems. Goodbye Drama.

So I thought long and hard on ideas how to keep my lover in my arms and not in Death's arms. After seeing his pitiful face several days ago when he begged me to stay with him til the end, I've been determined not to let him go. He seemed Hellbent that his death was inevitable, and I didn't realize how difficult it would be to convince him to continue trying, to find a way to live. But I did, I layed out surefire ways to help eliminate the demon possessing his body and he finally acquiesced to try. It was my mistake that I started with what I call 'small fries.' I burned some sage around the Townhouse and layed a line of salt around the perimeter of all the rooms. I knew this wouldn't do much, if anything at all, but at this point, I was willing to try anything. He grimaced at me, thinking my idea ridiculous. Of course it was ridiculous, salt isn't going to expel a demon in the body, but it will feign off more danger. It seemed like he really delayed o...